That’s not a strawberry!

At times, I had a few good first dates, that lead to second date shenanigans. Here’s an intere

abracadabra

Wouldn’t it be nice to chant a magic spell and make people change? Or better yet, throw fairy

Dial B for Busted!

One word, butt-dial. The unintentional dialing that occurs when keys are accidentally pressed on cel

 

That’s not a strawberry!

April 22, 2012 in crazies, dating, douchebaggery, gross

At times, I had a few good first dates, that lead to second date shenanigans. Here’s an interesting tale:

While living on campus during my early college years, I had a few friends that stayed off campus. One male friend in particular always had house parties on the weekends. While attending one of these house parties, my male friend introduced me to his roommate.

Dark&Lovely is what I will call him. I had seen him around campus before. He was a few inches taller than me, dark brown skin, dark hair, beautiful smile, quite handsome. I was smitten and flattered that he was interested. We talked for a while, played a game of spades and ran the card table. We even danced a few times. Before I left the party with my friends, he asked me out and I accepted. Our first date was great! I had a wonderful time. We went to the movies and afterwards, we went out to eat. At the end of the date, he asked me out again the following weekend.

The second date was just as wonderful as the first. We met for a day date at Adventure Landing where we played laser tag and a round of miniature golf. Afterwards, we had dinner at a seafood restaurant. It was still rather early after we ate, so he asked if I wanted to follow him to his townhouse and watch a Kung Fu movie.

Side note: I love Kung Fu movies. My love for Kung Fu started about the same time of the rise of the hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan. I loved the 70′s classics: Mystery of Chessboxing, Drunken Master, Legend of the Liquid Sword, etc. So when Dark&Lovely asked me to watch Shogun Assassin, I couldn’t’ resist.

Now, because he was the roommate of my friend, I felt comfortable going to watch a movie with him. There was no way he would do anything stupid, right?! Right? Wrong!

He put the movie in and we sat on the couch. About midway through the movie, he asked if I wanted some grapes. Considering, we had just eaten seafood, I was not really hungry and declined. While he was in the kitchen, he let me know that his roommate ate the grapes but there were strawberries. He asked me if I would like strawberries instead. I couldn’t pass on the strawberries and I told him that I would eat a few. Out of the corner of my eye, I can saw him returning to the living room. I was intently watching the movie when he returned to his seat beside me. It was at a great action scene and I didn’t want to take my eyes of the TV. He then asked me if I still you wanted a strawberry. I said yes as I looked down to pick one up. What I saw was his dick on a plate surrounded by strawberries. I looked at him with amazement and horror; amazed at the size and horror at his audacity. I quickly got my purse as I told him how disrespectful he was and left.

There was never a third date. I would see him at future house parties, but we both kept our distance. What I learned from this experience, when a man offers you strawberries, if you accept you may get a strawberry you don’t want.

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abracadabra

April 20, 2012 in dating, gross

Wouldn’t it be nice to chant a magic spell and make people change? Or better yet, throw fairy dust at an annoying date and make them not so annoying. I know you know the feeling of being on a great date with a nice looking person and BAM; they pick their nose or some other gross habit. And, no matter how you try to block it out and finish the date, all you can think about is how gross they are.

Now, let’s be honest. No one is perfect. We’re all guilty of some annoying or bad habit. We may even have a bad habit we aren’t aware. But seriously?! If you are on a date, try to limit your grossness. For instance, do you talk with food in your mouth? Are your teeth yellow from plaque? Do you have dirty fingernails?  As always, I have three examples of personal dating disasters due to the dates grossness. Don’t worry, the gross will remain anonymous:

Yuck Mouth
One Saturday afternoon, I met a very tall, very handsome business professional for drinks. He was extremely charming and I was instantly interested. We decided to sit at the bar at a local lounge and when he leaned down to ask me what I would like to drink…he’s breath smelled like thunder. An odor so pungent, I almost fell back off of the bar stool. I even coughed due to the funk. Gag! In those seconds I thought to myself: Did he brush his teeth? Is his wisdom tooth rotted? Did he eat a bag of ish? After that first drink, I luckily received a phone call from a friend and pretended she had emergency that needed my assistance. Here’s a tip: Always brush your teeth and gargle before going on a date or at the very least pop a mint in your mouth.

Gas X
A man who seemed gentleman-like took me out on a first date to a Mexican restaurant near my apartment. I was impressed that he spoke Spanish fluently. He told me all about his life as a “military brat” and all the different places he had lived. We had a great conversation that ranged from politics to the latest music and movies. At the end of the night, he paid for the meal, held the door for me as we walked out of the restaurant to my car. It was a great date so I decided it should end with a kiss, so as I stood on my tip toes to kiss him and he leaned down. Slowly our lips touched for the sweetest kiss and then he burped. A loud obnoxious burp that smelled like enchiladas and beans. Of course, he immediately apologized and said he couldn’t stop it and didn’t know he was about to burp. I smiled and said it was okay, but never answered his phone calls after that. Word to the wise, if you have gas problems, don’t eat beans on your first date.

Spit Talker
My biggest pet peeve is someone who chews with their mouth open which causes irritating smacking. I hate it! It makes me cringe like hearing nails scraping down a chalkboard. So imagine my disgust while on a date with a man that not only chewed with his mouth open but also talked while chewing. Bits of salad and croutons would fly onto the table. And it kept happening! I found myself pulling my plate closer to me. Finally, I snipped, “say it, don’t spray!” while covering my plate. He apologized and looked embarrassed. Once our entrees arrived, I was no longer hungry but definitely in need a few more drinks of my wine. As I picked up my glass, I could see bits of his food floating in my glass. Check please and no second date for you.

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Dial B for Busted!

April 19, 2012 in douchebaggery, Ex

One word, butt-dial.

The unintentional dialing that occurs when keys are accidentally pressed on cell phones stowed in pants pockets. We’ve all experienced it. Usually, all that can be heard by those answering butt dial calls is random background noise, rustling papers or incoherent mumbling. However, at other times, conversations come through quite clear, with those speaking unaware that they are being overheard. This can be boring for the listener when the conversation is uninteresting, entertaining when the conversation is juicy, and deadly for the speaker when overheard by his significant other while cheating.

Here’s my story:

Once upon a two-year relationship, I received a call from my boyfriend one night when he was at his “second job.” He inadvertently butt dialed me while he was out with another girl. He and the girl, that he frequently referred to as “baby”, had just been out to eat. They talked about various things, but he eventually brought up the explicit acts he would perform on her once he got her home! Of course, she was excited and commented on the act she always loved for him to do.

At that point, I hung up the phone because I had heard enough. I was devastated because I had no clue that he was cheating. I did often wonder why he worked such long hours, but based on his wants in life, I believed he was  driven and wanted to save for a better future. I genuinely believed that he was working hard, toiling to never experience the poverty he experienced during his childhood. However, in the ten minutes in which I listened to him and his baby, I realized the only thing he was working hard at was lying.

I tried calling him back a few minutes later, but of course there was no answer. I assumed that he and “baby” were getting it in. He eventually called me back a few hours later while he was on his “lunch break”. I asked him what he had be doing and he said, “work, you know I had to work tonight.” I then said, “really?! Thats odd because you accidentally called me a few hours ago while you were out with some chick. Check your call log, I heard everything and we are so done. F@ck you!”

He had no explanation, no apology, and no confession. It was, what it was. And it was clearly over.

One thing that I learned from this experience is that butt-dialing is an agent of karma and occasionally shines a light on the blackest of lies. Words of advice, if you have unexposed secrets, lock your phone.

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The Anti-gentleman

April 3, 2012 in Anti-gentleman, dating, douchebaggery, Ex

I consider myself a traditional type of woman and prefer a traditional type of man, a gentleman. I believe men should be the providers and protectors in a relationship. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I feel men should pay on dates, open doors, take out the garbage, get the frost off your car, pump the gas at the gas station, bring the shopping bags in the house, etc.  In my romantic life, I have learned that not all men are traditional. Now, at the beginning of one relationship in particular, a fraud presented himself as the traditional man. Over time, his traditional gentleman-like behaviors began to disappear. Instead of being a provider and protector he became more of a taker and manipulator. Here are a few incidents:

Scenario 1: He invited me out for dinner. We went to a nice restaurant and ordered appetizers, drinks, and pricey entrees. The time came to leave and the waiter brought the check. He then looked at me and said he didn’t have any money, which forced me to foot the bill.

Scenario 2: While at port on a Caribbean cruise, he insisted we walk to the beach instead of paying for a boat taxi over. He said it wasn’t a far walk. Drenched in sweat and two miles later, we reached the beach. When it was time to return to the ship, I insisted that we take a boat taxi back to port but he insisted it was too expensive. He said that I could ride but he wasn’t paying because he would walk back. Once I got to the boat taxi, I found out the cost for the ride was only $3.

Scenario 3: On my way to work one winter morning, he asked that I drop his clothes off at the cleaners. He then brought out two big bags of clothes and sat them by the door. The fact that I had to ask him to help me take them to the car was just as bad as his refusal since he wasn’t dressed yet.

Scenario 4: A movie came out that I really wanted to see and he said that he would go. When we got to the ticket window, he informed me that we were going dutch. Once inside, I purchased a small popcorn and drink. While  in the theater he proceeded to eat my popcorn. He abruptly got up and left his seat, I assumed he went to the bathroom. When he returned he had an empty cup that he poured half of my soda into.

It took the occurrence of several more of these scenarios  for me to realize he was a selfish user that was no gentleman. He was the definition of the anti-gentleman.

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Spring Cleandom

April 2, 2012 in dating, Ex

Spring has sprung! And as many people do, I took some time to do a little spring cleaning. I always have old clothes and shoes that I haven’t worn (which I bag for goodwill) and paper work that needs to be trashed once shredded. On this recent occasion, I found an old remnant from a past relationship. My first thought, as I happened upon this item, “I thought I got rid of all of this crap” and promptly threw it in my goodwill bag.

After a break up, I always get rid of the evidence. Purge and delete. You know photos and facebook albums, mementos, emails and birthday cards, gifts and clothing etc. I exclude jewelry from this purge, just in case I need to pawn it for extra cash in the future. I also burn sage to get rid of the bad energy that may be lingering. The age old adage is out of sight, out of mind. But for me, once a relationship goes completely sour and stank the other person becomes a void of nothingness, literally dead to me.

At the onset of each new meaningful relationship, I always hope not to add a new name to my dead man’s list. So far, no luck but hope floats.

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The Douchebag Equation

March 29, 2012 in douchebaggery

Most women can remember that moment in their childhood when they ran to their mothers after a little boy pulled their hair, teased or hit them. At that moment, the mother proclaimed to the little girl, “He just did that because he likes you!” The little girl then equates a boy being mean to genuine affection. How warped is that?

 I don’t plan to tell my daughter the mean=like equation. I don’t want to skew her idea of what proper treatment by the opposite sex should be. I believe enforcing mean=like just ensures that little girls will grow to be women who date douches. Instead, I plan to tell my daughter the signs of douchebaggery so it is engrained in her psyche.

Here are 5 of my 13 signs of douchebaggery:
-he does not respect you
-he hits you
-he pressures you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing
-he lies about you
-he doesn’t care about your feelings

Did the mean=like equation affect you while dating as a teen? Is it still affecting you now? Be honest with yourself. :)

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The Drunk and the Restless

March 28, 2012 in crazies, Ex, family

Let’s be honest, every family has some issues that may cause a disagreement and maybe a fight along the way. No one’s family is perfect. But usually at family reunions, families should try to get along, especially if nonfamily members will be present, right?! Wrong!

An ex, that I will call Mr. Stinks, decided it was time for me to meet his family at his family’s annual reunion. I thought it was a great way to meet everyone at once and agreed. He warned me about his alcoholic uncle, so I wouldn’t be surprised. I assured him, that every family has a drunk and not to worry.

Reunion day arrived and I meet everyone including his parents, grandmother, brothers, sister (not his twin), cousins and, yes, his drunk uncle, Timmy.  Uncle Timmy was extremely small maybe 5’5″ tall and 100lbs. He looked like he drank liquor more than he ate food. He even smelled like a bottle of gin. Immediately, Uncle Timmy was drawn to me. He would follow me around, wanting hugs, staring at me intensely and commenting on how good I looked. I laughed it off and tried to ignore him but at some point it did become slightly uncomfortable.

Mr. Stinks’ brother, whom I call Debo, noticed Uncle Timmy’s attention toward me. Debo was around 5’11″ weighed about 220 and was ex-military. He had a chip on his shoulder since he was going through a nasty divorce plus a major of attitude problem. He was not happy with Uncle Timmy’s playful harassment and on more than one occasion told his uncle to leave me alone. Uncle Timmy, in his drunken state, ignored these requests, continued his drunken flirtations and also cussed Debo out in a drunken undecipherable way. Most people ignored this but it enraged Debo. Debo suddenly leaped from his chair punched Uncle Timmy in the face, lifted him in the air and then slammed him toward the ground. On Uncle Timmy’s way down, he hit his head on the front end of a parked car.

It happened so fast. Family member’s rushed to pull Debo away and Uncle Timmy lie seemingly lifeless in the dirt. I began to cry with astonishment because I thought Uncle Timmy was dead. Luckily, he wasn’t. He stumbled to get up, his face covered in blood from the punch and the gash on his head. Needless, to say, the family reunion was over and I was certainly ready to go.

This would not be the last family reunion I attended with Mr. Stinks. I should have ended my relationship with him after this first incident. This should have been a huge indication of family dysfunction and anger issues. But I didn’t, another year passed and I got to attend another family reunion.  Instead of Debo vs. Timmy, it was Mr. Stinks’ two sisters that fought (a fistfight). But that’s another, even more interesting story.

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they always come back…

March 27, 2012 in dating

Why do people leave and then decide they want to come back?  Well, maybe the better question is why do people want forgiveness?

This is a question that I had to ask myself after a former friend contacted me after an 8 year hiatus. The last time I spoke to this person, I was basically told what a miserable person I was, how I could be a better person, that they were tired of my friendship and that I was no longer wanted in their life. So, please imagine my utter astonishment to be contacted via a social networking site, with a message indicating “I’ve been looking for you forever.”

Really, you’ve been looking for me?!

I have always wondered when people I care about say hurtful things to me, if they regret them. Some people speak out of anger or frustration not thinking of how their words may affect the recipient. In my case, after the shock and hurt of the barrage of insults, I grew. I grew stronger but I always wondered why and what went wrong. Well, 8 years later, I still have no explanation. I did, however, receive a very sincere apology, an acknowledgment of how sweet and deserving I am of love, well wishes for life-long happiness and how being able to apologize to me made things better.

I guess some people need to reconcile their past wrongs to heal their karma or to ease their conscious. Whatever the reason, I believe that in life, you get what you give. If you hurt someone, expect to be hurt. If you lie, expect to be lied to. If you love, expect to be loved. And if you are forgiven, expect to forgive. Life has a funny way of balancing things, even if it takes a few years.

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Miss Match

February 27, 2012 in crazies, dating

Do you have any crazy first date stories? Well I have several. Here is another:

It was midway through one of my spring semesters in college, I was getting to know my then roommate (who is now my best friend). I asked her if she had any cute male friends that were available. She thought for a few minutes and gave me a name. She described him as good guy, tall and brown skinned. She said he had an athletic build and that he played on the football team. I asked her if he was cute and she said told me that she thought so. He sounded promising so I asked her to be my matchmaker. She called him talked me up, gave him my number and he called me a while later.

His voice was deep and he sounded quite sexy. He was well-spoken and had a quick sense of humor. I liked what I heard and so did he. So, we decided he would come pick me up for lunch. He called me when he was in front of the dorm. I told my roommate I would be back later and she wished me luck.

As soon as I got downstairs, I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw what was in the car. The first thing I thought, “No she didnt.” He was no where near cute. He had really big bugged eyes that they were about to jump out of his eye sockets and a scrunched up face. He looked like a pug, and not a cute one. The athletic build looked more like big boned and he was driving a pimped out monte carlo.

I am not a rude person and although I wanted to yell out “Unh unh” and run back inside, I walked over smiled and got in his car. I was still thinking to myself, “no, that heifa didnt.” We made small talk while he drove. He asked me what I wanted to eat and I told him that he could decide. I was still in shock, dazed actually, as we were sitting at a stop light. He then said to me out of the blue, “Did you see something you liked in that car?” I turned to him in astonishment, and asked, “what car?” He said, “the car with all those guys in it, I mean you were looking hard enough.” I told him that I had no idea what or who he was talking about. I mean I really didn’t! He then had this monologue about girls looking at other men and disrespecting him. He acted as if I was his girl already. It was crazy and I was not about to put up with crazy. I kindly told him that lunch wasnt a good idea and asked him to take me back to my dorm. He agreed and we drove back in complete silence.

As I opened the door to my room only ten minutes later, my roommate looked perplexed by my early return. I exclaimed to her, “No…you…didnt!” She smiled coyly. That day, I told her she could never be my matchmaker again.
 
Feel free to share any crazy stories you may have!

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Seriously, Really?!

February 26, 2012 in dating

Writing this blog has helped to remember some crazy things from my past:

While I was periodically single, I attempted to find my soul mate on eharmony. Don’t judge me. I mean, I saw those commercials on TV. Apparently those actors found love, so why not me?! But seriously, some  colleagues I knew met their husbands by internet dating. I figured it can’t be any worse than meeting someone at the club or a bookstore. I signed up for the free trial just to check it out.

I saw a few candidates but I never initiated any conversations. A couple of guys expressed interest, but I did not like how they looked in their pictures. Shallow I know, but let’s be realistic — looks do matter. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find myself beside a gremlin. Anywho, a nice looking guy started a conversation with me.  He was older and was an airline pilot. We had similar interests and I thought he was someone worth getting to know. We chatted occasionally and then decided to exchange yahoo info so we could chat in real time.

While we were chatting one evening, he sent me an invite to view his video chat. I accepted, no big deal. He was sitting in the living room at his computer desk. His place looked clean and well organized from what I could see. He also looked like the pictures he posted on his profile, which was a relief. About an hour through the chat, he said he needed to go get something. So he got up and walked away. While he was gone, I thought about how well the conversation was going. And how great it will be to meet him in person. About a minute or two passed by… and when he returned he was stark naked with an erection. I quickly closed the window and blocked him.

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